Lately I have sort of noticed that I have not posted as intimately as I used to here on Joy Unbound. I think what I will try to do is to post more of what I am thinking, the problems I am having, etcetera. After all, this is my personal blog; I do not expect anyone to read the things I post here, nor am I trying to get attention. To put simply, I suppose, this would be a gateway to relieve myself from some of life’s burdens.
Last weekend I went on a 3-day youth camp. That is all. I have essentially filed the event in the black hole section of my mind. I wish it didn’t have to be this way, and I know I could have allowed things to be different but lo, I have stumbled and fallen short at my own hand. It really all started somewhere at the beginning: first, I did not bring a tent and should have thought about doing so. Second, I was alone; I did not trust my environment because I was unfamiliar with it, but still — I COULD have let this go. Third, I locked up to the the gender-based dressing of the youth; all or most males shirtless (and hairless), and females.. well, I don’t need to elaborate. It is summer, it is hot outside, there is a lake nearby — how do you expect females to dress?
Before I write further, the first two points I soo easily could have let go but I didn’t. Now what if I had let go of these? Hmm, say I had a tent — I would trust the interior of my tent and thus feel safe to change clothes (privacy is a good word to apply here). I came to the camp a bit exciting and looking forward to things. I would have setup my tent somewhere, brought my stuff into my tent, and changed to a clothing profile that would have been good for both general day use and aquatics (was originally planning on swimming in regular clothing) — basically 2 shirt layers instead of 3, short pants instead of long pants, no socks, and water shoes. Then I would have hung around at the tables waiting for group activities… though now this part gets more into the unknown because I am not sure how I would react or feel amongst a group of stronger, hairless, mostly buff people.
Maybe I would have gone off myself to go exploring the campgrounds. Perhaps I would have gone separate from the group and go swimming alone or something. What would I have done in the water anyway? I mean, just get in, go swim a few meters out, swim back, and then what? ?_? Maybe I might just hang out around the docks dangling my feet into the water and watching the jetskiers and what other people do. And then when people would play volleyball I know I would have joined in (and periodically go take a dip to refresh myself). Perhaps I would have had an opportunity to go jetskiing or tubing. Both of those would have been fun, occupy and pass a good part of the day. There were public restrooms down at the docks too, so that means other places to change (so even if I didn’t bring a tent…) and better-than-port-a-potty restrooms to use for defication.
As far as being amongst youth in the lake (and even whether it would be with mostly girls or mostly boys or a balance of both girls and boys) I am not sure about. Not sure what would be done or what would happen (or what did). Not really seeing a lot of activity in this part. But then we would go back up to the camp and eat and stuff (good food was cooked by the way). In this theoretical what-would-and-could-have-happened thought, I think I would have enjoyed being with the youth, myself, and the experience. I probably wouldn’t have talked or said anything much and would probably mostly have just ‘been’ there and present.
But, unfortunately, that is not the way it went. Going back several paragraphs, it was all because I allowed myself to lockup. Had the first two points not occurred I think the third wouldn’t have been a major issue and easily negligible. True, I probably would have spent a lot of my time in places here and there throughout the experience looking down at the ground and keeping myself from meditating (and quick-lusting) on beauty (oh how embarassing that could be would someone notice me doing that), but that would have been fine.
Instead, though being fully conscious of the situation and scenario I was presented unto myself, I allowed it to develop and within no time became locked for the rest (actually, the WHOLE) camping trip. First it started out as I should have brought a tent (would have been a plus but my car was fine; next time I will just bring a tent — lesson learned! I did not feel safe, secure, or comfortable sleeping in potentially intimate proximity with a male let alone one that was hairless, buff, and a personality like that most men who fit the first two descriptions would be) and worries of where I can change securely and confidently (but was too afraid and embarrassed to ask for advice, if there were any public restrooms around, if I could borrow someone’s tent without fear that someone might just so happen to hop in while changing, or something).
With worries upon worries, it crutched me but I still had so many conscious opportunities to BE STRONGER and made better by experiencing more, experiencing the unknown, getting out of my comfort zone, and simply — in relationship to God spiritually, and just as a person — be made a better and stronger person. It’s like one of those moments where there is a lot of resentment, but you know that smarter and intelligent, more mature people push aside resentment, take responsibility, and thus claim and attain greater honor to themselves and in my case, also for the glory of God and His works.
After the camping thing, we stopped as this gas station outside the campgrounds in the small nearby town that sold icecream in cones with toppings up to a foot long from the rim of the cones. I didn’t eat. Then a few pictures were taken outside next to someone’s RV. I didn’t join. Terminate it like the boss, yeah! I had an extra passenger with me in my car (so I had 3 passengers this time instead of 2) on the way back to the River of Life church just right outside Springfield and had a relatively decent ‘socializing’ *awkward the way I am writing this here) and relationship-building through the trip. I didn’t feel locked and shutdown in my car on the way home.
But.. I failed, miserably. I don’t get too many opportunities like this and I wish I did. When I passed so many opportunities I knew I could have just snapped back and resolved the situation and enjoy the camping trip, I realized that I had passed the point of no return and felt heart broken. Enough time had passed that what’s the point? I would look weird, nobody would understand so I would be even more weird and strangely looked upon and misunderstood, and to change/fix the situation now is just… unthinkable. My heart was broken. I felt very distant from God. My heart hurt more.. I was lonely, hurt, and cold. My inner machine and a part of my rootkit had activated and gone into full motion; I became locked up and displaced from reality. I stopped eating (only ate when it was forced upon me — which happened only 2 times I think for small things) and almost essentially ‘fasted’ (k not really, I never consider myself to fast because I never know the true intentions, true motives, true reasons for why I stop/am not eating) the whole time. I know that I went around 40 hours without eating in the second half of the trip and when I finally got back to my apartment I ate something.
I’m still feeling the hurt even now. I just feel lonely and hurt. Last Tuesday not many youth had shown up to the youth meeting at church, and it seems like over the next month many of the youth will be gone to other states and things. I remember someone at the camp ground had said, while things were getting packed (or maybe after), that now summer is over and school begins. More hurt, more loneliness, more cold. more.. more.. more . . . but hey, I brought it upon myself so I’ll just shutup and get with the program