Joy Unbound

So instead of a prayer meeting this Friday it was moved to today (Thursday) at the same time. A very large youth group of around 70 people from Jacksonville, FL came to visit. I ended up leaving very soon after this event officially started at 7:00PM out of essentially being stricken with fear and insecurity. It was not the fault of anyone at that event, but rather my own problem as I am sure something like this might have been predictable to someone who might know me intimately enough and somehow categorized under the “Known problems” listing for the current kernel. My brain responds in indication that the occurrence of this problem is rare. [Comment: I have no explanations for this. I myself am a bit awe'd.] The following is what I played through my head after I woke up:

Friend said:

So what’s up? Why’d you leave man?

My response:

I don’t know. I was very afraid and locked up. I went in their fine and alright at first, but within about 10 minutes I went from fine and alright to feeling very afraid and insecure. It felt like if someone would have tried to bring me with them to sit down amongst the congregation (or closer to the front) [Comment: because I was sitting at the back against the wall next to the left-side double doors] that I would end up bawling myself out in crying sometime or throughout parts of the service and felt that this would have been a purely emotional response.

Generally I am an emotionally dead person. But for a while now I have been feeling emotionally healthy — not like living by or in emotions, but not feeling insecure and simply just feeling “healthy” (like as if that component was “made up for” and filled). [Comment: I have probably been feeling like this since that Friday prayer meeting with the Cincinnati, OH youth.]

After the first song I decided to go “home” (back to my apartment) in focus of thinking and praying good thoughts toward the service, the congregation, and the youth — like that it and they would be blessed and anointed, and a simple prayer for their families, spouses, and spouse’s families. I was really jittery physically, and felt very tense throughout my body and my muscles.

I just completely locked up and sort of lost it. There are some thoughts associated to what may have triggered this, but I don’t know how to put them into words so I won’t even try to put them into words. [humble shrug expressed here]

I had gotten back to my apartment at about 7:30PM, went to my bed, curled up under my bed sheets, fell asleep, and woke up at around 9:15PM. The experience was mostly gone, but I thoughts like ‘I will never live up to what I have just done’ [Comment: which was to "skip out and go home"], ‘This is why I will never grow as close to God’ [Comment: in terms of relationship, in regards to what the Bible says regarding stiffneckedness], and feel discouraged and a little heartbroken [Comment: very sad in other words].