Crippling Reflections
Last night I had those spasms and convulsions or whatever. It is difficult to describe it from first person. When it happens, there isn’t really any feeling to it, i.e. evil. It “just happens and is” is how it “feels” (there just isn’t a feeling). Sometimes I move my arms and wrists, hands, and fingers about being — I just don’t know how to describe it. It would require either a third person account of the occurance, or actual observation for yourself.
But anyway, it could be nerve misfires caused by something. I mean, the last few days I think I have been eating “alright” (not a food problem?). This is probably a remote possibility though. The other possibility is that it could be demonic, demonic influence, an attack, or some sort of spiritual warfare — I really don’t know. *shrugs* If someone thinks so, I have no problem with that or if they want to pray for me or “try” or something. [i]Me?[/i] I don’t know, simply, so anyone would be just as qualified (wrong word) to have their own theories.
The reason I am or would be [greatly] hesitant to any medical theories or trials is because chances are it would cost [u]a lot[/u] of money, chances are it is simply nothing and wouldn’t “show up”, and even if something was found there probably wouldn’t even be a solution (or an effective one anyway).
What about counseling? We’ve been on this topic before. But the most important thing to say or add would be that I would have nothing to say. It simply cannot be said due to the massive and tremendous complexity and amount of data and information, and I can find no words and cannot construct sentences and cannot be coherent about [u]it[/u]. You seriously have to believe me when I say that.
It’s like — in after effect of the above — there is [u]a lot[/u] inside me, all [u][b]untouchable[/b][/u] and [u][b]inaccessible[/b][/u]. Almost like a bomb waiting to explode, but one that either cannot explode or is contained in an indestructable enclosure that wouldn’t hint a peep of sound through its walls or a vibration or movement of any sort.
It is like a sad malfunction of me/my body that I have no control over; it is beyond me.
I know that God loves me, and I will never let go of Him no matter what. While Satan may be able to ruin and conquer me in this mortal world, the things he cannot have are my [u]soul[/u] and [u]heart[/u]. That, ultimately, is my testament of Jesus Christ.
Sometimes I wish I could get help (but what would be there to help me? Nothing anyone can really do), sometimes I fear (very much) what people — perhaps people I try to befriend — would think of me, like, a wolf in sheepskin or something. My perception of reality will sometimes confuse — I get delusional.
It’s like I lose touch with reality and lose myself. Someone once said that actors have many different roles and characters to play, and that a good actor is one who can preserve oneself from losing themselves amidst all the different people, personalities, and characters they cycle through, play and act, and becoming who they pretend to be. It is like that too — a bad actor I am for I have lost myself, and no longer know myself. I have ceased to exist; who am I? Where is my real self? They all look the same; the same faces, the same colors. Indistinguishable personalities, yet none are mine. It can feel as though I have “lost my soul” (more a poetic description than actually meaning it).
It cripples me. I still cling,ultimately to the cross / Jesus Christ / Yahweh (God) during these times. These can be very hopeless and lost moments. It is as though being lost at sea without sight of shores and without sense of direction and compass. It is like being lost at sea in a great fog.
But I still cling to Him, lest I perish at my own hands to purposelessness, meaninglessness, and the reality of a world without a Father.
