Archive for May, 2011

Insecurity Strikes Again!

26 May, 2011  No Comment

So instead of a prayer meeting this Friday it was moved to today (Thursday) at the same time. A very large youth group of around 70 people from Jacksonville, FL came to visit. I ended up leaving very soon after this event officially started at 7:00PM out of essentially being stricken with fear and insecurity. It was not the fault of anyone at that event, but rather my own problem as I am sure something like this might have been predictable to someone who might know me intimately enough and somehow categorized under the “Known problems” listing for the current kernel. My brain responds in indication that the occurrence of this problem is rare. [Comment: I have no explanations for this. I myself am a bit awe'd.] The following is what I played through my head after I woke up:

Friend said:

So what’s up? Why’d you leave man?

My response:

I don’t know. I was very afraid and locked up. I went in their fine and alright at first, but within about 10 minutes I went from fine and alright to feeling very afraid and insecure. It felt like if someone would have tried to bring me with them to sit down amongst the congregation (or closer to the front) [Comment: because I was sitting at the back against the wall next to the left-side double doors] that I would end up bawling myself out in crying sometime or throughout parts of the service and felt that this would have been a purely emotional response.

Generally I am an emotionally dead person. But for a while now I have been feeling emotionally healthy — not like living by or in emotions, but not feeling insecure and simply just feeling “healthy” (like as if that component was “made up for” and filled). [Comment: I have probably been feeling like this since that Friday prayer meeting with the Cincinnati, OH youth.]

After the first song I decided to go “home” (back to my apartment) in focus of thinking and praying good thoughts toward the service, the congregation, and the youth — like that it and they would be blessed and anointed, and a simple prayer for their families, spouses, and spouse’s families. I was really jittery physically, and felt very tense throughout my body and my muscles.

I just completely locked up and sort of lost it. There are some thoughts associated to what may have triggered this, but I don’t know how to put them into words so I won’t even try to put them into words. [humble shrug expressed here]

I had gotten back to my apartment at about 7:30PM, went to my bed, curled up under my bed sheets, fell asleep, and woke up at around 9:15PM. The experience was mostly gone, but I thoughts like ‘I will never live up to what I have just done’ [Comment: which was to "skip out and go home"], ‘This is why I will never grow as close to God’ [Comment: in terms of relationship, in regards to what the Bible says regarding stiffneckedness], and feel discouraged and a little heartbroken [Comment: very sad in other words].

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Bible Thumper Bashing

21 May, 2011  No Comment

gotdeagle123 said:

This is suppose to go through all out through October 21st too I believe. It’s going to be funny when nothing happens, and nothing will happen. I can point at all the bible thumpers and laugh at there gullibleness.

1 John 4:1

Beloved, believe not every spirit, but try the spirits whether they are of God: because many false prophets are gone out into the world.

Revelations 3:3

Remember therefore how thou hast received and heard, and hold fast, and repent. If therefore thou shalt not watch, I will come on thee as a thief, and thou shalt not know what hour I will come upon thee.

Revelations 16:15

Behold, I come as a thief. Blessed [is] he that watcheth, and keepeth his garments, lest he walk naked, and they see his shame.

There is not one person, Christian or non-Christian, that knows when the end will be. A person can make theories and guesses, but no one knows and no one will know. Pick out the false prophets by their fruits. Test the spirits.

How can you know how to test the spirits if you are seeking for God/Yahweh? Read the Bible. The Bible is a compilation of many books over a multitude of centuries and time by many authors and people. Thus, read the Bible and use your judgement in checking the consistency and integrity of God and of testimonies that span over a great length of time written by different people. (Think of it as a cross-check like in a legal suit — this is naturally a part of the critical thinking process anyway, so this is something to always consider.)

There are plenty of places in the Bible (and from reading it altogether) from whence you can identify and understand what kind of god God (or more specifically Yahweh — Jehovah is the Latin for Yahweh and in the Bible you will find it translated as LORD).

Romans 16:17-18

Now I beseech you, brethren, mark them which cause divisions and offences contrary to the doctrine which ye have learned; and avoid them. For they that are such serve not our Lord Jesus Christ, but their own belly; and by good words and fair speeches deceive the hearts of the simple.

Matthew 7:15-23

Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves. Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles? Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit. A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither [can] a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit. Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire. Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them. Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven. Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works? And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.

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Hillsong Faith + Hope + Love Preaching

12 May, 2011  No Comment

Yes, this is a re-post. However, this is a proper “release” in 720p with full transcripts.

This video contains three message/preaching segments from Hillsong’s Faith+Hope+Love DVD (credits to Hillsong for the content). I used AViSynth scripting and tools with MeGUI to produce this mash-up. See the bottom of this description for links to some educational files used in putting together and encoding this video.

Woman: “If speak in tongues of man and angels, but have not love, I am only a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.”
Man 1: “And if I have prophetic powers, and understand secret truths or mysteries, and possess all knowledge, and if I have faith so that I can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.”
Man 2: “And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing.”
Man 1: “Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. It does not envy, it does not boast. It is not proud.”
Man 2: “Love is not self-seeking. It’s not easily angered, and keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.”
Woman: “It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”
Man 2: “When I was a child, I talked like a child. I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. But when I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. These three things remain:”
Man 1: “FAITH”
Woman: “HOPE”
Man 2: “and LOVE.”
Man 1: “The greatest of these is LOVE.”

Darlene:

I’m going to read to you from Psalm 103, and this is the Psalm of David. I love listening to the Psalms of David, the man that God called very very close to His own heart. It’s entitled The Lord’s Wonderful Love, and he writes from that perspective as his worship and praise as a response to the great love of God. And he says, “With all my heart I praise the Lord, and with all that I am I praise His holy name. And with all my of heart I praise the Lord. I will never forget how kind He has been. The Lord forgives us our sins, and heals us when we are sick, and protects us from death. His kindness and love are a crown on our heads, and each day that we live He provides for our needs and gives us strength of a young eagle. For all who are ill-treated the Lord brings justice. He taught His law to Moses and showed all of Israel what He could do. For the Lord is merciful; He is kind, He is patient, and His love never fails. The Lord won’t always be angry and point out our sins and He doesn’t punish us as our sins deserve. For how great is God’s love for all who worship Him? Greater than the distance between Heaven and Earth. How far has the Lord taken our sins from us? Further than the distance from the East to the West.” So how great is God’s love for all? Amen church.

Robert:

..in which we declare our worship and praise to Yahweh. And I want you to engage in understanding. I want you to understand what Yahweh means to us, here, tonight. There are at least 270 names for God in the Bible. He is so glorious, so enormous, and every one of those names reveal some facet about His life and His character. One commonly used name is ‘El’, or ‘Elohim’. We find that in El Shaddai — God Almighty. We find it in Bethel — the house of God. We find it in Emmanuel — God with us. But Yahweh is different. Yahweh is much more personal. It’s often translated LORD, and it’s used when God made humanity. It’s used when Abraham climbed Mt. Mariah, the place where eventually the temple was built and the area in which our Lord Jesus Christ died. It was used as He set up the mountain in order to worship God — the first time worship is used, the word ‘worship’. And God provides a sacrifice and reveals Himself as Yahweh. We often think of it as Jehovah. That is the Latin name for Yahweh. We find it in words like ‘hallelujah’ which means to ‘celebrate God, our Lord’.

But the revelation reaches its culmination in Exodus 3 when God reveals Himself to His people. And He says, “I AM that I AM”. He is the eternal self-existing one. “I will be what I will be.”  He was declaring His covenant and His reality to His people. He says in Exodus 6, “Up until this moment you have not really understood. I revealed myself to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob as God Almighty — El Shaddai. But now I am revealing myself to you as your covenant-keeping God”. A God who is what you need Him to be in your life situation. And then throughout the scriptures that name Jehovah — Yahweh — is revealed. He is Jehovah Csidkenu, the Lord our righteousness. He is Jehovah Makaidesh, the Lord our holiness. Jehovah Shalom, the Lord our peace. Jehovah Ra’ah, the Lord our shepherd. Jehovah Shamah, the Lord who is there. He is our covenant-keeping God, the Lord of His people. He is Jehovah Jirah, the Lord our provider.

And then, Jesus Christ comes to Earth. The name ‘Jesus’ means savior. The name ‘Christ’ means anointed one. He was the messiah for whom the world waited. But He wasn’t just Jesus Christ; He was the LORD Jesus Christ. And in John 8 when they were asking Him where he had come from, He said this: “Before Abraham was, I AM.” He was declaring to them that He was Jehovah God. No wonder they took up stones to kill Him because He was proclaiming he was the covenant-keeping God of His people, and tonight He is the Lord who heals you. He is Jehovah Ra’affa. He is the Lord who is here. He is the Lord your provider. And I want you right around this auditorium to raise your hands to Heaven because He is Yahweh, He is here, He is the LORD Jesus Christ, and He wants to reveal Himself to you as your Lord, as your champion, as your shepherd. Let’s raise our voice and raise our hands and worship Him.

 

 

NOTE: If you plan on encoding this yourself, make sure you have the NicAudio plugin for AViSynth installed to be able to utilize the NicAC3Source() function in the scripts.

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Crippling Reflections

3 May, 2011  No Comment

Last night I had those spasms and convulsions or whatever. It is difficult to describe it from first person. When it happens, there isn’t really any feeling to it, i.e. evil. It “just happens and is” is how it “feels” (there just isn’t a feeling). Sometimes I move my arms and wrists, hands, and fingers about being — I just don’t know how to describe it. It would require either a third person account of the occurance, or actual observation for yourself.

But anyway, it could be nerve misfires caused by something. I mean, the last few days I think I have been eating “alright” (not a food problem?). This is probably a remote possibility though.  The other possibility is that it could be demonic, demonic influence, an attack, or some sort of spiritual warfare — I really don’t know. *shrugs* If someone thinks so, I have no problem with that or if they want to pray for me or “try” or something. Me? I don’t know, simply, so anyone would be just as qualified (wrong word) to have their own theories.

The reason I am or would be [greatly] hesitant to any medical theories or trials is because chances are it would cost a lot of money, chances are it is simply nothing and wouldn’t “show up”, and even if something was found there probably wouldn’t even be a solution (or an effective one anyway).

What about counseling? We’ve been on this topic before. But the most important thing to say or add would be that I would have nothing to say. It simply cannot be said due to the massive and tremendous complexity and amount of data and information, and I can find no words and cannot construct sentences and cannot be coherent about it. You seriously have to believe me when I say that.

It’s like — in after effect of the above — there is a lot inside me, all untouchable and inaccessible. Almost like a bomb waiting to explode, but one that either cannot explode or is contained in an indestructable enclosure that wouldn’t hint a peep of sound through its walls or a vibration or movement of any sort.

It is like a sad malfunction of me/my body that I have no control over; it is beyond me.

I know that God loves me, and I will never let go of Him no matter what. While Satan may be able to ruin and conquer me in this mortal world, the things he cannot have are my soul and heart. That, ultimately, is my testament of Jesus Christ.

Sometimes I wish I could get help (but what would be there to help me? Nothing anyone can really do), sometimes I fear (very much) what people — perhaps people I try to befriend — would think of me, like, a wolf in sheepskin or something. My perception of reality will sometimes confuse — I get delusional.

It’s like I lose touch with reality and lose myself. Someone once said that actors have many different roles and characters to play, and that a good actor is one who can preserve oneself from losing themselves amidst all the different people, personalities, and characters they cycle through, play and act, and becoming who they pretend to be. It is like that too — a bad actor I am for I have lost myself, and no longer know myself. I have ceased to exist; who am I? Where is my real self? They all look the same; the same faces, the same colors. Indistinguishable personalities, yet none are mine. It can feel as though I have “lost my soul” (more a poetic description than actually meaning it).

It cripples me. I still cling,ultimately to the cross / Jesus Christ / Yahweh (God) during these times. These can be very hopeless and lost moments. It is as though being lost at sea without sight of shores and without sense of direction and compass. It is like being lost at sea in a great fog.

But I still cling to Him, lest I perish at my own hands to purposelessness, meaninglessness, and the reality of a world without a Father.

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