Joy Unbound

I am considering implementing a social block all policy; my emotions are all bottled and there is no place to empty the bottles. Life gets increasingly harder emotionally. This is one reason I hate college: the exposure to people. Work is fine as long as it is strictly business and professionalism. I do not like seeing or being exposed to pretty people in real life. Things to explicitly avoid are weddings, birthdays (where family and cousins might bring in third parties, such as their friends), and any sort of gatherings. The only people on my whitelist would be my mom, youngest brother, and two other, very distant people whom I rarely communicate with. It is either long-term constant seclusion and quarantine, or long-term constant good and close influence. The latter is most unlikely to occur, as it would take people who are dedicated to specialization and putting forth the necessary time and effort for one person.

I often feel very sad (sometimes synonymous with depression), very lonely, very tired and exhausted of life, and potentially very emotional. I can’t dance, I can’t sing, I can’t play an instrument, I can’t be “normal” like everyone else socially and emotionally (my humor is atypical and inconsistent; it either doesn’t exist or it is often mean, rude, inappropriate, or nothing approved by anyone), I can’t enjoy the same things everyone else enjoys (I literally don’t enjoy things everyone else typically enjoys; there is very little to nothing that I actually enjoy), I have very abnormal, extremely narrow interests, my speech is often garbled, disorganized, and unstructured, I am mentally delusional at times (if not most of the time), my speech is also mute most of the time (I cannot say what is on my mind or in thought), and I am sure there are other things to mention that I currently cannot at the time of writing due to fogginess in mentality.

I realize it isn’t about me, and I try not to make anything about me. I have noticed that when I try to focus on someone else, eventually my focus is covertly shifted before me and I end up not having the same strength or motivation as I did initially. At first, I may have a genuine motivation, but later it may die and transform into a material-based objective that has no intrinsic value.

For a large portion of my life I have suffered problems that never existed before; they came so suddenly and instantaneously at a seemingly spontaneous but early age. I remember when I was “normal” and could be like everyone else socially and emotionally. Maybe I am wrong there, and maybe it was just blindness to reality for those young childhood ages. I used to be full of energy, I used to be full of fire and passion (in an internal way) for God, but now everything is dead. Everything is silent. Everything is quiet. Everything is still. Everything is inanimate while the clock continues to tick. Amidst this illustration, I am with the clock but not the inanimate times. It seems as though the only thing with color is the clock, whilst everything else is of a cold blue, distant, untouchable, disconnected hue.

This is the world that is normal to me.

Business in webhosting has not gone well over the past month or two. True, this year has been a record in new customers, but the particular reason for the disgust is this:

Last year our original server took a nosedive with harddisk failure. We had no secondary harddrive or backups of the server and customer data. The data was still accessible, but the chances of successful cloning were lessening the longer the server was turned on. So I went and did some searching and help seeking on the internet in places like hardforum.com, webhostingtalk.com, and cpanel.com/forums. On cpanel.com/forums, someone offered to lend his help, and gave him a shot. He had a lot of posts and has been a member on those forums for a reasonably lengthy time.

Fortunately, he had more success than we did in migrating all our data to a new dedicated server. He even took the initiate (though never specifically asked) to configure the server and its security, and setup services. In the end, we had an awesome new and more powerful server configured very well. But then, he demanded a payment of roughly $300. I ended up sharing that payment with my business partner (who is really my webhost) as he was supposedly tight on money at the time.

I thought that was the end of it. But it turned out that this person whom we never contracted help for payment and never hired for anything long or short-term, decided to stay aboard. Additionally, he caused some of the initial problems on the server (having root access) in hopes he could get more money through his unwanted service. I am not particularly sure what happened, but eventually these went away after my business partner did some investigating and found out that certain server issues were actually being caused by him. To this very day the issue of him still having root access to the server (or being connected to our server) still exists. According to my business partner, this individual setup the server in such a way that it is difficult to actually manage the server without breaking services or things on the server (of course, this person who did this knows his way around, so it would be security for him in the way he set all this up). Furthermore, there is a very good possibility and potential that he also setup a backdoor in the server in case my business partner would ever forcibly boot him from the server (access-wise) and/or would refuse to give him money.

Fast forwarding to the future, a new problem came up. What happens is that Apache no longer closes MySQL connections as it should and leaves them open. This fills up the /tmp capacity, which causes MySQL to lockup and lose its sock file. As a result, the majority of customer websites depending on MySQL cease to function and present a 1080 storage engine error.

From my point of view, just being a mere reseller, there is absolutely nothing I can do. I could ask my father for advice, and I know he would say something along the lines of “move to a different provider,” but the thing is that it doesn’t quite work like that for several reasons. First, it would cost a lot of money in startup costs and a monthly that I do not have and cannot sustain myself on. Second, it would require Linux experience and knowledge that I don’t have either; I am not a security guru, and in a webserver environment, security is very imporant.

I have done research regarding the problem in search of solutions. I have found a handful, but do not actually know if any of them have actually been employed by my business partner. Unfortunately, I do not have root access (or similar privileges) to verify and confirm this, nor will my business partner keep me informed about what he does, how he does, and what he hasn’t done. I care very much about my customers, and it is very stressful when this problem occurs 1-2 times every week (and has been for about the past two to four months) and I receive e-mails and even phone calls from my customers when they find themselves unable to use their website. They have “customers” (more so called users or members) too.

It frustrates me because there is absolutely nothing I can do. The only options I have are (1) to apologize and say that I have sent a ticket to the right person or something, (2) to suggest finding a different webhost, recommending DreamHost and helping them by assisting in migration, or (3) tell them to be quiet. Of course, the latter is obviously not an option, and the second would be the best way to lose your customer and their confidence in your services altogether.

But I suppose it may be a matter of truth, and maybe I will just have to come out with that and say it based on implications: yeah, I am not the best webhost out there. In fact, I would probably rank as one of the worst and most incompetent. This would be true, and probably is. What can I do about it? Nothing. I think that makes my business something that isn’t really a business. A real business would have the money and everything they need to start up right, get things done, resolve problems, and so forth.

Again, there is absolutely nothing I can do because I am literally powerless. I have time and time again contemplated on just shutting BlueToast down and leaving the webhosting industry. Perhaps it is indeed time to go, and perhaps this isn’t the area for me. Maybe I just have to realize it, admit it, and execute it.

It is very difficult to write and say what I want to. The past couple of months have been difficult likewise. In between semesters, especially over the summer, I tend to stay in my cave in front of my laptop most of the time; little to no time is spent around people. When the next semester begins, it has always been a new experience when seeing people as if I have not seen humans before. To a certain degree, this is enough to already activate my emotions, but not necessarily put it into motion.

This past January I had also attained membership to YMCA. There is a particular frontdesk employee by the fictionalized name of Sierra (my own entry). Possibly on the reason that she was the one who “specially” handled my YMCA membership registration and for her friendliness, I chose to greet her every day and seek “friendship” (whatever that is). We have never called each other by name, though recently for the first time she greeted me as ‘friend’.

What I have done differently in this “attempt” or “experiment” is persistance and consistence. That is, greeting her every time I see her, asking how her day was and is, and how she is doing. Not much else can be said as to status updates on how this is going. However, I have observed that at the beginning of this relationship (neutrally) a part of me was hoping she might be “the one” and thus had partial influence over me by that perspective. In a couple to few weeks, I caught a cold that lasted over a weekend, followed by two weeks of blizzard, snow, and ice, and the fourth week lacking in motivation to go to YMCA (but went anyway to see her after not having seen her since before my cold). I saw her in the fourth week once, but she was distracted so I briefly replied with my default response for the usual question (“fine”) and proceeded to the lockeroom; this almost didn’t even count as seeing her.

But after not having seen her for that long, the thoughts about her possibly being “the one” had completely extinguished. Simply, I would not try to impress her and do not try to “win” her in the long-term. I think this is a good thing.

The problem though is that I am so socially emotionally inexperienced that even the tiniest things (that normal people are not affected by) can send me on a massive emotional rollercoaster of the most extreme G’s. Additionally, the more I bottle the emotions, I think the more bang there will be when someone comes by and attempts to pop the cork on my bottle.

Of course, she has friends, like any sane and normal person. On I heard recently her Valentines Day story of how all throughout the day she had been receiving daisies, flowers and cupcakes from various friends. To top it off (if I recall correctly), one of her friends (in her words ‘trying to impress her’) had apparently bought a big glass vase with flowers; estimated value of $20-$30.

What I observed was that jealousy arose in me. It didn’t take any hesitation to know that it was obviously a natural built-in hormone function. I thought that the “phenomenon” of this feeling sprouting in reaction was kind of “cute” and interesting though, but I did not appreciate it. It further reinforced my “disconnectedness” and a few paragraphs back the “would not try to impress her and not try to “win” her in the long-term” thing. Additionally, in all sincerity, in modification to my prayers I also pray that the one who tried to impress her be “the one” for her and be a God-fearing individual. Absolutely, I no longer “try” to do anything. This does not mean I will discontinue the greetings (and if anything occurs from there without my effort, so be it), even though I have considered it (would be purely emotional and jealous otherwise, right?).

That is all regarding Sierra for now.

A couple days ago I overdosed on 5 HTP to 400mg emotionally, but quite conciously and controllably. Halfway through the night I woke up with a sharp stomache pain and feeling like I was ready to hurl. I went to the restroom, knelt in front of the King’s Seat, and promised to God that I will throw out bottle of 5 HTP pills next morning (and I did). The awful experience ended shortly after returning to bed.

Over the past few years I have observed another natural built-in hormone-based symptom occur more frequently: I have many nights in which I am unable to go to sleep as a result of emotional and social disturbance. I feel horridly, horridly lonely. A heartache with feelings similar to that heartbreak, but instead the longing of a partner rather than hurt. It is so strong that I am simply unable to fall asleep. Sometimes I had thought that perhaps I could not fall asleep because of a bad habbit and sleep schedule of going to bed at 2AM, but I think recent experience has taught me otherwise.

Most often, when emotional, I become delussional in my thoughts. I am unable to add more details right now.