As of the recent months, I have been feeling very lonely in the context of companionship and close, intimate social relationship. It has almost just about become one of my main daily struggles; some nights are worse than others, and it definitely makes life more difficult. The problem is that I lack maturity in some aspects. Actually, there is also another problem: I’m impossible. There’s just simply no one for me.
A year or two ago my father and I had some kind of conflict with each other; I do not remember what this conflict was. But of all that happened in dialogue there is one thing that embossed itself into my mind, and that was when during dialogue my father had told me that I will never be better than him (immediately after having said that I am not, which is relative to the situation at the time and is undoubtedly true).
My parents marriage relationship isn’t quite the best example out there. They aren’t exactly a compatible match or the most fitting for each other (says my parents). And so if I will never be better than him, I will never have anything better by material, experience, and virtue than what he has. So as the day-to-day things go by and I observe the conflicts and stressors within the family and between my parents, it is all the more discouraging and dismantling. The limits of the pictures are so “poor” that I have often queried myself, “Is this really all that is available for me? Because if it is, which I will presume as true, then I honestly and to the utmost genuinely have no desire or interest in marriage.. at all!”
Secondly, I am physically weak and financially immature (and likely in other aspects as well). I cannot protect anyone, and I am poor with money. I always try to save my money and not spend it, I really do, but the fact that it isn’t and hasn’t been happening testifies the effectiveness of my continuous attempts.
Third, if I have the opportunity to quite possibly easily find a spouse through friendly outlets, why not be satisfied with that regardless of race, personality, background, etcetera? God gives, and God takes, and if I’m not satisfied with the least that which I have then I deserve and shall have none of it! To top it off, the slightest hesitation because of race or culture or background kind of goes to show that there is something that just isn’t quite right about the image I present. Race, color, ethnicity, background — none of these should matter if we’re all of the body of Christ!
I will go ahead and further conclude that if that’s what stops me, then what is my motivation? What do I really want? Certainly, as I am implying, something is wrong and incorrect.
Fourth, I have stripped life and its supplemental gifts of its dignity and reduced them to mere matter and dust. Michael Ramsden, an apologetic team member of the Ravi Zacharias International Ministries, in one broadcast spoke on this topic and best illustrated it with, “instead of ‘I love you,’ it was ‘Honey, I’m having a chemical reaction’.” If all dignity is stripped away and the perspective left to know only matter as matter, then how can one’s dignity be recovered? How?
I have taken away from my spouse and robbed her of what is hers; I would not be surprised if it would pain the both of us if you were on higher and purer grounds than I, and that is precisely why I would be more willing to accept one that has robbed as much as I have robbed from them. I cannot and will not expect God for anything better than I or what my parents have. To expect better would be like, you’ve just committed a crime and sure you repent of your sins and are forgiven, but then you are given in reward precisely what you have been stealing.
Or it is like you honor and respect God enough to where you make the most of your life to not commit adultery of any kind, and basically practice celibacy and do it perfectly despite the hardship involved. God then arranges for your spouse to cross your paths, and then it’s like, you have been working so hard to maintain said honor and respect and made it so far and now it’s time to just throw all that hard work, struggle and effort away? Come on, no way!
Fifth, I am impossible! That’s right, impossible! I don’t see how there is any combination of personality, characteristics, background, etcetera that could complement my weaknesses. I’m too unique. (Sure, who isn’t unique? Right? Just like everyone else, hmm?)
Sixth, I need to remember and take into account all the bad memories, all the negative observations, and all the wisdom I have received that is against getting married (but not in any way supportive of “premarital anything”). Countless times I have been told over the past decade never to get married by countless people. The kids, the wife (or the husband), oh the stresses and the horrors and so forth! I have also been innumerably been told (and observed) that she’ll remember everything clear as sunlight from day number one. More importantly, I have to meditate on negative observations, bad experiences, etcetera. The examples mentioned and illustrated in this fraction are nothing compared the the whole list.
And finally, seventh, this article alone should indicate “just how difficult” I would be.