Joy Unbound

Today probably does not count for the Unsocial Experiment, since I spent most of my time with a computer in my face (at work) and around “not-as-attractive” people (at work). Cake walk. However, today ended with extreme sadness syndrome (ESS), better known as the common depression.

Firstly, this morning at my primary workplace, one of the other interns had visited. I overheard and found out that he was “on his way” to getting A+, Network+, and CNA certificates (the last one being a big one). Either I overheard, my boss told me, or both, that with such certificates, especially the CNA certificate, he would be “well on his way” to establishing his career or a stable, well paying job, etcetera. The intern is about my age — actually I think he is about a year younger. Not even going to compare myself to him (this would be wrong in the first place, which is why I won’t).

But that felt very discouraging. All I could think in my mind is that I am behind, I am behind! I should be studying and working to get those same certificates, as well as eventually attaining Microsoft’s MCP certificate, but school is holding me back and keeping me from doing so! Stupid general education classes! Stupid me (if only I realized sooner that I did not have to take the general education classes if I were only going after certificates)! It also felt more discouraging a little later, perhaps through misunderstanding (or not???), that my position or “lifeline” to <primary workplace> wasn’t or isn’t anywhere near as secure as I had known, and that I would be losing my job in a matter of time or something.

The problem with that is that (1) I fail to realize that I should be happy enough to even have a job (which is how I have viewed it since “the beginning”), (2) I am there whether or not I get paid for the learning and experience elements as a resume builder and general knowledge expander, and (3) I was jealous and dissatisfied with what I had (this is wrong). The Lord gives, the Lord takes, and he who can handle little can handle much.

Secondly, I have a great natural curiosity based desire to learn how to operate, maintain and configure, and setup Linux. I become worried and emotionally distressed when I am really pushed to the limit: (1) this is a live Linux environment, (2) I am not a Linux guru and barely know the basics, and (3) I am supposed to fix [network-related] problems with Linux-based software (i.e. Squid). I don’t even know the first thing about configuring (let alone doing it properly) Apache or any web-related service (in Linux). In fact, I have never really ever touched or seen an Apache configuration.

(EDIT: Okay, maybe I was being a little harsh on myself, but I know some basics and understand certain basics of how Linux works. All-in-all, my usage of time becomes inefficient and, at least I feel, inadequate despite praise [another something I don't exactly know how to deal with -- I'm just human/a human being! ])

I try to stay away from that stuff because it doesn’t interest me enough, or it carries a discouragement, confusion and learning-style unfriendliness. I like the point and click, automated, simple-steps sort of things. You know, like setting up a webserver with XAMPP or WAMP in only a few clicks, rather than doing it the mighty-man hardcore from-scratch way (real admins configure and compile everything they possibly could, often fine-tuned to their hardware resource capabilities and for optimum performance, stability, security, and redundancy).

That’s really sad to me because a false semi-conscious sense of “knowing a lot” and “knowing how to do things” exists. Most people around me tend to think I know a ridiculous amount, or that I am a 1337 h4x0r (hacker) who knows all the tricks and trades and everything. No. That does not fit my description in both humble/internal and realistic/external perspectives.  If anything, I would be merely a script-kiddy (and in the real-nerd/Geek environments, this is considered to be the lowest of the low — sort of like how thieves might be considered lower than homeless beggars). Take another step backward from the picture: if anything, just a wimpy power-user of computers. And that’s really just it.

(EDIT: One good reason I do not take praise or pats-on-the-back very well. Great, so I did it [or if I even did or could]; so could have someone else [and likely better and more efficiently], and therefore nothing to nag on about — move on!)

That becomes a temptation sometimes (in reference to the first sentence of previous paragraph), and obviously I won’t and don’t like it. It can be dangerous because then ego will involve itself and attempt to get me to do things despite not having either any experience at all or inadequate/improper experience and knowledge to go about successfully completing a mission. It is very difficult sometimes to try make the best judgment before-hand whether or not I can really handle a mission before accepting it (actually, this is almost always the case for me).

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School is going on, I really want to learn Linux but don’t have the time, I am working in a live Linux environment to which I am feeling and greatly hoping nothing goes wrong (or terribly wrong) when I do stuff (because an entire company’s functional integrity pretty much falls on me), lack certifications to really know whether my career and life will lie with my primary workplace, and have to decide for next semester whether I want to continue “college” (in terms of going for a masters in something, which would require taking general education requirements in the first place) or go after certifications instead.

No time, virtually no physical health, not eating enough or eating too much of the wrong foods, not knowing how to be socially and emotionally compatible amongst people and co-workers, plus the extreme sadness and lack of companionship… blah blah blah.

I just want to play computer games, “run around” and have “fun and games”. (But too bad, I don’t even have the computer horse power or the internet connection for this either.)

Tuesday (9/27/2010) I decided to make a game and experiment of this: the objective is to make as little eye contact possible (preferably none at all), and not look at any person at all (especially people of the female gender; and, except those that I must in order to maintain an adequate level of political and “social” correctness, such as my boss and co-workers, and my teachers and instructors whenever sight and eye-contact is required). All I am allowed to do is to look down at the floor, look way up at the sky or ceiling, or look at the most adjacent wall to me.

By the end of the day, I have come to these conclusions:

1. My body or self ceases to generate adulterous and lusty thoughts and imaginations (+1)
2. I get depressed because the process “natural curiosity” is terminated (-1)
3. My conscience and thought process is elevated to a higher level; awareness is increased (+1)
4. Seems almost as if I stare off into space focusing and pondering on thoughts that flow with my mind, instead of necessarily paying attention to the instructor (-1)

And as a result of these conclusions:

1. My level of maturity and self-control is greatly increased (+1)
2. I think and focus deeper on thoughts (~0)
3. My wife, if I kept this up, should feel special because she would be the only one I would ever look at (+1)

So far, that results in a net positivity of +2.

Source: http://www.montrealgazette.com/life/kids+swearing+earlier+researcher+says/3541245/story.html

When the Sociolinguistics Symposium met earlier this month swearing scholar Timothy Jay revealed that an increase in child swearing is directly related to an increase in adult swearing. It seems that vulgarity is increasing as pop culture continues to popularize vulgarities. The blame lies with media, public figures, politicians, but mostly ourselves. From the article:  ‘Children as young as two are now dropping f-bombs, with researchers reporting that more kids are using profanity – and at earlier ages – than has been recorded in at least three decades.’

YOU DON’T SAY? I bet there is a direct link between warfare and bloodshed!

Children as young as two are now dropping f-bombs, with researchers reporting that more kids are using profanity — and at earlier ages — than has been recorded in at least three decades.

So finds data presented at this month’s Sociolinguistics Symposium in the U.K., at which swearing scholar Timothy Jay revealed that the rise in vulgarity within adult culture dovetails with similar spikes in the number of youths using offensive language.

“By the time kids go to school now, they’re saying all the words that we try to protect them from on television,” says Jay, a psychology professor at Massachusetts College of Liberal Arts. “We find their swearing really takes off between (ages) three and four.”

But if you want to understand why children are cussing more, he says you have to ask why their parents are, too. Jay, a profanity researcher for more than 30 years, finds two-thirds of adults with rules against swearing will themselves swear at home — a kind of lexical tick that’s knit deeper into our neurons every day.

Certainly, when Kanye West closed the recent MTV Video Music Awards with a song toasting “douchebags” and “assholes,” viewers could be forgiven for finding it redundant.

After all, not only had the previous two hours feted such crass characters as Chelsea Handler, the cast of Jersey Shore and West himself, you could argue the entire last decade has been in greater need of a bar of soap than any other before it.

It was only last month, of course, that flight attendant Steven Slater’s profanity-laced tantrum, and subsequent getaway down an aircraft emergency chute, saw the malcontent rendered a working-class hero. Ironically, Slater blamed his actions on a passenger’s “lack of civility.”

As with so many things, experts say politicians may be to blame.

“There’s a real coarseness right now in U.S. political culture. It’s not a conversation; it’s a rant,” says Scott Schieman, a professor of sociology at the University of Toronto. “Broadly speaking, that sets up an overall tone where you have this constant aggressiveness.”

Indeed, the U.S. president himself — normally a paragon of decorum — declared in a June TV interview that he wanted to know “whose ass to kick” over the Gulf oil spill.

In a more extreme example, tennis player Serena Williams made headlines at last year’s U.S. Open not for her skill, but rather her salty language, having used the f-word liberally when threatening a line judge that she would, “take this (expletive) ball and shove it down your (expletive) throat.”

Two months later, Williams was named Female Athlete of the Year in a landslide vote by members of The Associated Press.

Then there’s Kanye.

Though he had his hand slapped for interrupting Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech at last year’s VMA’s, the incident ultimately fed into his legend. The rapper, in fact, seemed more beloved than ever after last week’s performance of the d-bag song — a raised middle finger disguised as winking self-deprecation.

“He just told everyone at the Video Music Awards to eat a dick, and they chant his name,” Canadian DJ David Stone tweeted in amazement after West’s performance. “I love this business.”

Mel Gibson may prove a rare exception, with his verbal volleys to ex-girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva having made the actor one of the most hated men in America. But if Charlie Sheen’s continued popularity has shown us anything, it’s that the public has a high tolerance for high-profile boorishness.

“The behaviour today is so outrageous, it almost entertains the public,” says sociologist Benet Davetian, a leading civility expert and associate professor at the University of Prince Edward Island.

“It also has to do with the fact we live in the mothering decade; a therapeutic society where what’s important is the rehabilitation of somebody.”

Profanity researcher Jay observes that children are “little vacuums,” sucking this all up. And while they aren’t using worse cuss-words than in the past — the c-bomb, for instance, rarely reveals itself — they’re adopting the old standbys with more frequency.

“As soon as kids can speak, they’re using swear words,” says Jay. “That doesn’t mean they know what adults know, but they do repeat the words they hear.”

The child in me wants to scream and play,
but the child in me is locked away,
my mind fast asleep,
soon to be, cannot be,
and now my child long gone,
and I confined to this mechanical,
this cynical, manic jive!

I sleep, I pray,
spin and spunder,
wonder and ponder,
cry and fray,
with nothing left alive inside!

I cannot wake,
I cannot sleep,
I cannot think.

There’s nothing more,
please just let me go,
and let me fade.