Archive for June, 2010

Pornography’s Impact on Marriage & The Family

Source: http://www.heritage.org/Research/Testimony/Pornographys-Impact-on-Marriage-amp-The-Family

The marital relationship is a logical point of impact to examine because it is the foundational family unit and a sexual union easily destabilized by sexual influences outside the marital contract. Moreover, research indicates the majority of Internet users are married and the majority seeking help for problematic sexual behaviour online are married, heterosexual males. The research indicates pornography consumption is associated with the following six trends, among others:

  1. Increased marital distress, and risk of separation and divorce,
  2. Decreased marital intimacy and sexual satisfaction,
  3. Infidelity
  4. Increased appetite for more graphic types of pornography and sexual activity associated with abusive, illegal or unsafe practices,
  5. Devaluation of monogamy, marriage and child rearing,
  6. An increasing number of people struggling with compulsive and addictive sexual behaviour.

When a child lives in a home where an adult is consuming pornography, he or she encounters the following four risks:

  1. Decreased parental time and attention
  2. Increased risk of encountering pornographic material
  3. Increased risk of parental separation and divorce and
  4. Increased risk of parental job loss and financial strain

When a child or adolescent is directly exposed the following effects have been documented:

  1. Lasting negative or traumatic emotional responses,
  2. Earlier onset of first sexual intercourse, thereby increasing the risk of STD’s over the lifespan,
  3. The belief that superior sexual satisfaction is attainable without having affection for one’s partner, thereby reinforcing the commoditization of sex and the objectification of humans.
  4. The belief that being married or having a family are unattractive prospects;
  5. Increased risk for developing sexual compulsions and addictive behavior,
  6. Increased risk of exposure to incorrect information about human sexuality long before a minor is able to contextualize this information in ways an adult brain could.
  7. And, overestimating the prevalence of less common practices (e.g., group sex, bestiality, or sadomasochistic activity).
I have also find a very well written peer-reviewed report containing a much greater depth of information at https://hhsu.learning.hhs.gov/communities/downloads/0112BLB22739.pdf (you can also find a copy of it here).
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Strategies for Fighting Sexual Sin

Source: http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/ConferenceMessages/ByDate/1995/1468_Strategies_for_Fighting_Sexual_Sin/

1. Recognize that sexuality is a good gift from God.

Genesis 2:24-25
For this cause a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.
Proverbs 5:18-20
Let your fountain be blessed, And rejoice in the wife of your youth. As a loving hind and a graceful doe, Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; Be exhilarated always with her love. For why should you, my son, be exhilarated with an adulteress, And embrace the bosom of a foreigner?
1 Corinthians 7:3-5
Let the husband fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again lest Satan tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (Cf. 1 Tim. 4:3)

2. Recognize that Biblical prohibitions are intended to protect something precious not deny something pleasant.

Exodus 20:14
You shall not commit adultery.
1 Corinthians 6:18
Flee immorality. Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the immoral man sins against his own body.
1 Corinthians 7:2
But because of immoralities, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband.
Thessalonians 4:3
For this is the will of God, your sanctification; that is, that you abstain from sexual immorality;
Deuteronomy 10:12-13
And now, Israel, what does the Lord your God require from you, but to fear the Lord your God, to walk in all His ways and love Him, and to serve the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to keep the Lord’s commandments and His statutes which I am commanding you today for your good?

3. Believe God is for you.

Psalm 84:11
For the Lord God is a sun and shield; The Lord gives grace and glory; No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.
Romans 8:32
He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things?
Mark 10:29-30
Jesus said, “Truly I say to you, there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or farms, for My sake and for the gospel’s sake, but that he shall receive a hundred times as much now in the present age, houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and farms, along with persecutions; and in the age to come, eternal life.

4. Ponder the eternal danger of lust.

Matthew 5:27-29
I say to you, that everyone who looks on a woman to lust for her has committed adultery with her already in his heart. And if your right eye makes you stumble, tear it out, and throw it from you; for it is better for you that one of the parts of your body perish, than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.

Remember the story of the man who cut off his leg to save his life.

5. Think often that God has given you even now many good things.

Genesis 39:7-9
And it came about after these events that his master’s wife looked with desire at Joseph, and she said, “Lie with me.” But he refused and said to his master’s wife, “Behold, with me here, my master does not concern himself with anything in the house, and he has put all that he owns in my charge. There is no one greater in this house than I, and he has withheld nothing from me except you, because you are his wife. How then could I do this great evil, and sin against God?”

6. Preach to yourself that there is more joy in God’s presence than in sin. Transpose desire.

Psalm 4:7
Thou hast put gladness in my heart, More than when their grain and new wine abound.
Psalm 16:11
Thou wilt make known to me the path of life; In Thy presence is fulness of joy; In Thy right hand there are pleasures forever.
Psalm 73:25-26
Whom have I in heaven but Thee? And besides Thee, I desire nothing on earth. My flesh and my heart may fail, But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Peter 2:2
Like newborn babes, long for the pure milk of the word, that by it you may grow in respect to salvation, if you have tasted the kindness of the Lord.

7. Realize that lust disables and weakens our capacity for higher spiritual joys with God.

Peter 2:11 (war on soul)
Abstain from fleshly lusts that wage war against your soul.
Mark 4:19
The desire for other things enters in and chokes the word and it becomes unfruitful.

8. Don’t ask, What’s wrong with it? Ask: Does it maximize my experience of the power of Christ, my enjoyment of his fellowship, my perception of his beauty, my reflection of his glory?

Philippians 3:12
Not that I have already obtained it, or have already become perfect, but I press on in order that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus.

9. Cultivate a passionate devotion to the honor of God’s name.

2 Samuel 12:10, 14
“Now therefore, the sword shall never depart from your house, because you have despised Me and have taken the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be your wife. . . . However, because by this deed you have given occasion to the enemies of the Lord to blaspheme, the child also that is born to you shall surely die.”

10. Develop a worldview that views absolutely everything in relation to God.

1 Corinthians 10:31
Whether, then, you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.
Colossians 3:17
And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father.

11. (For singles) Recognize that sexual relations are not essential to full personhood and happiness.

Jesus was single and chaste and fully human.

Isaiah 56:3-5
Let not the foreigner who has joined himself to the Lord say, “The Lord will surely separate me from His people.” Neither let the eunuch say, “Behold, I am a dry tree.” 4 For thus says the Lord, “To the eunuchs who keep My Sabbaths, and choose what pleases Me, and hold fast My covenant, 5 To them I will give in My house and within My walls a memorial, and a name better than that of sons and daughters; I will give them an everlasting name which will not be cut off.

12. (For the married) Recognize that God designed marriage to be a living parable of his commitment to the church.

Ephesians 5:21-32
Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her; that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she should be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body.

13. Be vigilant over your eyes. Avoid unnecessary stimulation.

Job 31:1
I Have made a covenant with my eyes; How then could I gaze at a virgin?
Romans 13:14
But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh in regard to its lusts.
2 Timothy 2:22
Now flee from youthful lusts, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart.

14. Look on the opposite sex as eternal persons. Realize that lust inevitably depersonalizes and despiritualizes people.

John 5:28-29
Do not marvel at this; for an hour is coming, in which all who are in the tombs shall hear His voice, and shall come forth; those who did the good deeds to a resurrection of life, those who committed the evil deeds to a resurrection of judgment.
Matthew 25:46
And these will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.
2 Corinthians 5:16
From now on we recognize no man according to the flesh; even though we have known Christ according to the flesh, yet now we know Him thus no longer.

15. Think often that Christ suffered agony for your purity. Fight image with image. Christ crying in agony.

Titus 2:14
Christ gave Himself for us, that He might redeem us from every lawless deed and purify for Himself a people for His own possession, zealous for good deeds.
1 Peter 1:18; 2:24
You were not redeemed with perishable things like silver or gold from your futile way of life inherited from your forefathers, [but with the precious blood of Christ]. He Himself bore our sins in His body on the cross, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness; for by His wounds you were healed.
1 Corinthians 5:15
He died for all, that they who live should no longer live for themselves, but for Him who died and rose again on their behalf.
Hebrews 10:29
How much severer punishment do you think he will deserve who has trampled under foot the Son of God, and has regarded as unclean the blood of the covenant by which he was sanctified, and has insulted the Spirit of grace?

16. Beware of assuming past successes guarantee future purity.

1 Corinthians 10:12
Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall.
Galatians 2:13 (Contrasted with Acts 11:24 (Barnabas)
Barnabas was a good man and full of the Holy Spirit and faith. (Acts 11:24)
And the rest of the Jews joined him in hypocrisy, with the result that even Barnabas was carried away by their hypocrisy. (Gal. 2:13)

17. Beware of feeling above accountability.

3 John 9 (Diotrephes not submissive)
I wrote something to the church; but Diotrephes, who loves to be first among them, does not accept what we say.

18. Do not be excessively alone.

19. Get in a group where you exhort one another every day against the deceitfulness of sin.

Hebrews 3:12-13
Take care, brethren, lest there should be in any one of you an evil, unbelieving heart, in falling away from the living God. But encourage one another day after day, as long as it is still called “Today,” lest any one of you be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.

20. Memorize many scriptures.

1 John 2:14
I have written to you, young men, because you are strong, and the word of God abides in you, and you have overcome the evil one.
Psalm 1:2
But his delight is in the law of the Lord, And in His law he meditates day and night.
Psalm 119:11
Thy word I have treasured in my heart, That I may not sin against Thee.

21. Stockpile your thoughts with good things.

Philippians 4:8
Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things.

22. Read the great literature of devotion, biography, etc.

When I read the stories of how much others have suffered and fought and struggled and achieved measures of joy and holiness and fruitfulness in fellowship with God it makes me want to give my all to this quest and settle for nothing less than all that a saved sinner can be for the glory of Christ.

23. Never assume that you are above suffering or that you deserve relief through sin. The pitfall of powerful self-pity.

Acts 14:22
[Paul went to his churches] strengthening the souls of the disciples, encouraging them to continue in the faith, and saying, “Through many tribulations we must enter the kingdom of God.”
Luke 9:58
And Jesus said to him, “The foxes have holes, and the birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay His head.”
2 Timothy 2:3
Suffer hardship with me, as a good soldier of Christ Jesus.
1 Timothy 4:16-17
At my first defense no one supported me, but all deserted me; may it not be counted against them. But the Lord stood with me, and strengthened me, in order that through me the proclamation might be fully accomplished, and that all the Gentiles might hear; and I was delivered out of the lion’s mouth.

24. Get busy with some task.

25. Pray at all times in the Spirit for God’s deliverance.

Matthew 6:13
And do not lead us into temptation, but deliver us from evil.
Luke 22:40
And when He arrived at the place, He said to them, “Pray that you may not enter into temptation.”
Psalm 119:18
Open my eyes, that I may behold Wonderful things from Thy law.

26. Be encouraged; God is patient

Exodus 34:6-7
Then the Lord passed by in front of him and proclaimed, “The Lord, the Lord God, compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in lovingkindness and truth; who keeps lovingkindness for thousands, who forgives iniquity, transgression and sin; yet He will by no means leave the guilty unpunished, visiting the iniquity of fathers on the children and on the grandchildren to the third and fourth generations. “
Nehemiah 9:17
And they refused to listen, And did not remember Thy wondrous deeds which Thou hadst performed among them; So they became stubborn and appointed a leader to return to their slavery in Egypt. But Thou art a God of forgiveness, Gracious and compassionate, Slow to anger, and abounding in lovingkindness; And Thou didst not forsake them.

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How Should Someone With ADHD Or Asperger’s Learn Japanese?

Source: http://www.tofugu.com/2010/05/24/how-to-learn-japanese-adhd-aspergers/

Did you make it past that highly distracting image of the butterfly? Whew… then you might not need this article… or maybe you do? We can all learn how to be more motivated and inspired, and we’re all human in that shiny things distract us a …. what was I saying?

Dear Koichi,

Also – and damn what an awkward question this is – is there anything one with both Asperger and ADHD should think about when using TextFugu? I wouldn’t even consider asking this to most teachers out there, but let’s face it: when I read the parts about motivation, excuses etc. it felt like you were reading my mind. Of course, you’re not to be expected with a magical answer on this one…

That is a question I got in my e-mail a few days ago (and of course, I’m keeping this person’s identity secret), and I thought there’s probably others out there who could use some help in this regard. I sent an essay of an e-mail back, but I’ve gussied it up and rewritten it to be a little more in depth and easier to understand. The answer to this question also holds true whether you’re learning Japanese or not… I use these techniques in my work, in my play, in my hobbies, and in my everything else (get your mind out of the gutter!). You definitely don’t need to have ADHD or Asperger’s to try these things out, or at least think about them.

Now, before I start, I just want to say that I’m no professional on either ADHD or Asperger’s. I don’t have either of those disorders myself (wasn’t allowed to watch too much TV as a kid, and I think that saved me) either, so I can’t say I’m speaking from experience. Despite all of that, I have spent a lot of time studying the psychology behind learning, and have done a good amount of research on what motivates and inspires people. Those two things together, I think, helped me to create a formidable theory behind learning Japanese (as well as how to circumvent and fix things like ADHD or Asperger’s).

That all being said, I’m totally prepared for a barrage of angry parents who don’t think it’s anyone’s fault (and sometimes it’s not, though I do believe that a majority cases of ADHD are the fault of environment over time… not to mention prescription-happy doctors who want their pharmaceutical handouts), and I truly am looking forward to hearing and learning from those of you who have more knowledge in this category than I do.

So here we go… prepare for some wordiness.

Finding Your “Flow”

Whether you have ADHD, Asperger’s, both, or neither, you have to know about “Flow.” Flow is a term coined by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi (don’t even try to pronounce it), which is a psychological state in which you are “in the zone.” To put it less bluntly, Flow is a time where you are doing something challenging and you are completely concentrated on the thing that you are doing. This feeling comes about not because you are getting external motivation to do it (i.e. money, sex, power, etc), but instead because you are getting internal (also known as intrinsic) motivation, characterized by feelings of “absorption, engagement, fulfillment, and skill.”

So what kinds of things create flow? Well, it depends on the person, but there are a few common characteristics of these things:

  • Time goes by quickly
  • There is a clear goal (for example, if you were a mountain climber getting to the top of the mountain would check this one off).
  • Everything you do gets you closer to your goal

Probably the most common “flow” experience among the Tofugu reader base comes from video games. Sure, you’ve probably all experienced it elsewhere (and I hope you have!), but if there’s one thing I notice about people who have ADHD, it’s that they are somehow able to focus on video games really really well. Even though it’s not necessarily a positive thing, that is flow. Time goes by quickly, there is a clear goal (well, for most video games), and everything you do in the game gets you closer to that goal. That is flow. So, if you have ADHD and you can still focus on video games, I’m going to call BS on you if you claim you can’t focus on anything else. You can, though it’s going to take some practice.

So why in the world can you focus on video games and not learning? It’s because…

Schools Have Destroyed Our Desire To Learn

Alright, alright. I don’t want people saying I’m anti-establishment or anti-school. I’m a huge supporter of schools and learning, I just think there needs to be some big changes (like we need teachers who know how to teach… which is strangely lacking).

One of the biggest problems with schools is that they’re too structured. Grades shouldn’t exist, and kids should choose what it is they want to learn. Here’s the thing. Children are naturally curious. They want to learn. The problem is that it’s beaten out of them at a very early age. Let me tell you a little bit about my early education, and how it actually saved me from following the rest of the sheep out there.

I was lucky enough to go to Montessori School, which is an elementary school that has as little adult intervention as possible. Students progress in math at their own pace. They progress in reading at their own pace. They progress in everything else at their own pace. Teachers help when helping is needed, but there was no lecturing, and the funny thing is… every single student was leaps and bounds ahead of other public school kids their age. We kept our innocence, and learning for the sake of learning was rewarding. We were intrinsically motivated to learn. Humans are naturally want to learn new things, but once you add rewards for learning these new things, it is no longer rewarding and becomes extrinsic. It becomes “what can I do and what loopholes can I take to get a higher grade?” Suddenly, learning is a chore.

I was in “alternative” school programs until 6th grade, and that’s when I noticed things starting to change. Learning stopped being fun. I was working for my grades, not for the greater purpose of improving myself. Over the years, I got worse and worse at math (which I was several years ahead in by 5th grade), got worse at reading, and got worse in just about everything else. Yes, the public school system destroyed my motivation to learn. Ouch.

There are plenty of examples of this in the real world, too.

  • Open source projects like Firefox have armies of volunteer workers, not making any money at all. The reason they do it? Most of them just feel good about doing something, helping, and learning something new.
  • For those of you who have graduated college – have you noticed that it takes a couple of years to want to read again? I’m just getting to that point. In school, reading is rewarded with grades, which actually makes you less interested in doing it. After a few years being away from that, you rediscover your interest in reading, and start reading because it’s intrinsically rewarding, not because you’re getting an extrinsic reward.

Right, so what does this all have to do with ADHD and Asperger’s? It all comes back to “flow.” You have to change the way your brain thinks of things in order to give yourself the ability to reach flow in your Japanese (or other) studies. Learning is most likely ruined for you (if you are reading this, you’ve been in school long enough). The challenge is changing the way you think about learning (or making it so you don’t think about it at all!). How can you make learning as flow-worthy as video games? It’s hard, but it can be done.

Changing The Way Your Brain Thinks

Our brains are a funny thing, but the cool thing about them is that you can actually change them in whatever way you’d like (at least when it comes to thinking). You can exercise your brain too, just like you’d exercise your arms, legs, or abs. Depending on how you exercise these things, different parts of them will get stronger. With your brain, you can change the way it’s wired by forcing yourself to rethink certain things. Think of your brain like a blanket of snow with one path cut in it. Maybe you decide you don’t like that path (because it makes you think negatively about things). You can let snowfall fill that path, and create your own path. The new path won’t be easy to create (there’s a lot of snow in the way!), but you can do it with persistence.

The same thing goes for reworking your brain so that you can enjoy learning again. Although what I’m going to say seems a bit drastic, it’s not.  You have to convince yourself that grades are not important, and that they should be completely ignored. If you do this properly, I guarantee your grades will be way higher than if you paid close attention… or, at the very least, you’ll be more confident, smarter, and better prepared for the real world (seriously, I use only like 5% of what I learned in school).

This is going to sound a lot simpler than it is, but here’s how you do it.

  1. Every time you get some homework or school work, catch yourself every time you think “how will I get a higher grade on this.”
  2. Whenever you catch yourself thinking that (or something like it), replace it with something else. Perhaps “how can I solve this puzzle?” or “What part of this research am I interested in?”
  3. Do this over and over again, and if you’re persistent, you’ll begin to find learning enjoyable again. Something that you do for yourself because it’s genuinely interesting to you, and not because you’re getting an A, B, C, or D on it.
  4. When you get something back that’s graded, try not to look at the grade. Work something out with your teacher if you can, where they can keep your grade on file (or whatever they are required to do), but they don’t put it on your papers, assignments, etc. Instead, just ask for the feedback and corrections.

One other thing that’s also very important is changing your mindset on how you approach new challenges and problems. Tell me, do you think:

  1. “How can I do this task with my current skill set” or…
  2. “What can I learn in order to accomplish this task?”

You have to think the second one. People who go into challenges and problems thinking “what can I learn” are far more successful than those that only try to use the skills they currently have. These are two completely different people, and the second one is always happier, more successful, and has more meaning in their lives.

I do also believe that those with ADHD and Asperger’s can change the way their mind works too. It will take persistence, and it will be difficult, but those are the only thing stopping you from a very meaningful life. Humans are naturally interested in learning, but our upbringing and our schools take that away from us. If you can change the way you think about learning and attain flow, then things like ADHD and Asperger’s will only be an afterthought (especially if you make it to the end of this very long article, then you know you can do it).

To sum it up, catch yourself when you think “I can’t,” and force yourself to change it to “I can.” It’ll be slow progress, but you’ll get there if you really want to get there.

Applying All This To Japanese Learning

See! I knew we’d get back to the topic at hand. To be honest, though, there isn’t too much more to say. You’re going to fall into one of two camps:

  1. The camp that learns Japanese for extrinsic motivators (grades, to make friends, to get a job, etc).
  2. The camp that learns Japanese for intrinsic motivators (because it’s genuinely interesting, because it’s like solving a puzzle, etc).

Now, I’m not saying that wanting to get a job with your Japanese or getting good grades is necessarily a bad thing (okay, it is when it comes to long term learning), but I guarantee you the #2 camp is going to study a lot longer and a lot more effectively than the #1 camp.

It’s been shown time and time again that extrinsic rewards, such as grades, money, etc., only provide short bursts of motivation. Sure, give someone $100 bucks to learn Japanese for a week and they’ll study really really hard for a few days, but after that I guarantee they will end up studying way less and enjoy it way less by the end of the week (whereas the person who studies for personal growth is going to surpass the first guy no problem). Plus, if you want to keep motivating the first guy, you’re going to have to give him $200 the next week, and $300 the third. It becomes a situation of “that first $100 wasn’t enough, I’ll need more now to get that excitement back.” When you do something for a reward (other than the reward of doing something great) the excitement goes away and you associate the action (learning Japanese) with money. It’s like parents who give their kids money to do chores. Do that for a few months and try to ask your kid to take out the trash without paying them. They’re not going to want to do it, even though it helps the entire family out.

So, to learn Japanese more effectively, you need to figure out how to make learning Japanese intrinsically gratifying. You need to cut out all extrinsic rewards and come to terms with the fact that learning on its own is rewarding in itself. You’re going to have to backpedal all the way back to preschool, where learning wasn’t about grades and golden star stickers. Becoming a better person has to be the reward, and if you can do that, I promise you that you’ll learn a lot of Japanese in a short amount of time.

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