Work #2
My job interview went very well (better than my interview at Altec Computers) and was hired. I start work tomorrow at 9 in the morning. Although I felt a lot of excitement earlier, now I feel a lot of self-doubt, fear and my usual paranoia. Although I am not perfect, my expectations are very high and corporate-like. I admire the “qualities” and standards and the formalities of corporate business environments. I like to think in terms of professionality and courtesy, and plain business. I think that being a secretary or “servant” in the corporate world would be a great privilege and honor (humanly anyway).
About my paranoia and fear: I never trust anyone, not even myself (or at most “hardly”). I always suspect that someone is watching my every move, watching and waiting for every single mistake I make to use against me, to butcher me with in a flamewar and in community politics, seeking to destroy my reputation and everything of me. In all my years in the SubSpace community, I am no doubt the biggest loser ever. Unfortunately (for the purpose of bragging), many members of the community who remember “those days” have either left the community, died, no longer remember, or are difficult to find. PriitK (developer of Kazaa and Skype) had once publically and openly flamed me too (don’t I feel special?). Saying these things are easy now and to pass by, but back then when I was living the psychological terrors of my life as an immature 8 to 12 year old, situations were serious and nightmarish.
When I am exposed nowadays, I feel as if I have been betrayed (depending on the scenario) or beaten to dust, and have nowhere and noone to turn (although technically this is untrue, as God is always available, and I know it). For some reason and the most part, I tend to seek for human support rather than humble and bow myself to God and remind myself of who He is and what He has done for me. I see this as a weakness in myself, and something to be ashamed about. I shouldn’t complain if I have found a solution, because then it just takes me executing that solution.
But for my weakness, I make it harder on myself by bounding my own freeness until I can submit. At the same time, writing this, I am reminded of how God wants us to be joyful. That is true. That is another flaw that I possess. I am also ashamed of this. I have a lot to improve and work on, and I am conscious about many of my problems, which somehow leads me to conclude my locking and closing. This is all I ever think about.
It can be very depressing at times, even though I try.
