Joy Unbound

Facebook blocked my account for a while because I sent too many messages. Their browser-based chat doesn’t even work. When I click on it, it pops up with “Loading…,” and it stays like that forever. And now I can’t add someone as a friend or view their profile or check my inbox. Bah, humbugs!

and no you didn’t offend me with saying God. I don’t really believe in God. I believe in myself. I am my own God or in this case a goddess. I make my own self happy. I make my own miracles and what not.

That is a copy-and-paste excerpt from a Facebook reply I received recently. Interesting. Now I remember..

They always taught you to believe in yourself in Oregon. Therefore, if you should believe in yourself, then you are asking yourself for guidence. Simple. At this point, you declare yourself in the place of God, you define what is morally right and wrong and what is justifiable, you define ethics, you define everything.

Ok, so then, how do you carefully, appropriately and respectfully approach a situation as this to undo it and get an individual thinking? One can expect that such individual has been taught by evolution (important because it is a part of their daily functional knowledge, and anything that says otherwise will input a moral decision within the user).

Mom found my yearbook from 6th Grade at West Sylvan the other day. I have been looking for this book for many years now (after my Bridlemile Elementary yearbook in my 5th Grade year was found). I have collected everything of my past, have looked up every classmate I know from Bridlemile plus a few other individuals who made even the slightest difference or memory on Facebook, have to find my Bridlemile yearbook from my archives and look up some more classmates on Facebook, and wait to receive a reply to a private message I sent to them all.

For the first time since 6th Grade I finally get to see a glimpse of what they look like now. Some look surprisingly different, some surprisingly and shockingly different, and some are relatively the same. It is an interesting thing to see pictures of my Oregonian classmates, and how they differ from the ones I have seen in the Mid-West/Southern regions of the country. I do not know whether it is pyschological or what — but I see a lot of intelligence (above average) and maturity. Just thinking about it, comparing the pictures, the people look the same, but somehow one can just immediately tell that “that person is intelligent” or “that person is mature.” Very interesting, very strange, something I would wish to research to know more about pyschologically, biologically, etcetera.

I do imagine that there may be some of my classmates who will not remember me by my name (and therefore would not remember me by my photos). If their photos are such a surprise to me of how different they look, why would mine be of any different case if I were in their position? After all, they haven’t seen me for the same amount of time I haven’t seen them.

I suppose that I should also be ready to encounter negativity, rejection, “I don’t know you,” “I don’t remember you,” push-aways, put-downs, and the likes. I do not know what they are like now (although by some of the photos I can kind of get an idea), or how their voice has changed.

But amidst all this, there is still no return to my past. Of all the time that has passed and that I have missed with my class, I figure there is no point in “trying to undo that,” or something. All I can do is say hello, carry on a conversation with some of my old friends and classmates if they wish to “reconnect,” and then… I guess… leave and proceed. They are all so far away (west coast), and I have little hope of ever meeting any of them again. I have no idea if there is any one individual that has missed me — based on the feelings we had when we were growing up together from Kindergarten up until I moved, I do expect any of them to honestly care too much. I remember that when one of our classmates would move (including to another school), there may be a few exchanges of goodbyes and everything, but to me it felt as if we all (or maybe it was just me) quickly forgot about them and proceeded.

When a group of people grow together and go a long ways, complete a long journey, something bonds within that group between its members. When someone drops out, usually it’s the one that drops out that doesn’t want to drop out because then they won’t have that experience — and that individual will just quickly fade out from the group’s lives. You can only have a few of these great experiences within a lifetime.

In a sense, I still feel blessed for the situation I am in for various reasons, but I still miss my classmates (and I feel that soon I may no longer be burdened by this) and wish I could have finished growing up with them.

I also found this poem in the back of my yearbook; back then it didn’t mean as much to me, but now it means very much to me, because it somehow portrays a journey in which I have endured as well:

What would you do if every time
you fell in love with someone…you
had to say good-bye?
What would you do if every time
you wanted someone they would
never be there?
What would you do if for every
moment you were truly happy…
there would be 10 moments of
sadness?
What would you do if your best
friend died tomorrow…and you
never got to tell them…how you
felt?
What would you do if you loved
someone more than anything else,
and you, could never have them?
Some people live and some people
die. But I want to tell you I love you
and you are a true friend…
That I will always be here for you
when and if you need me…
If I died tomorrow, you would be in
my heart forever would I be in
yours?
You might be best friends one year,
pretty food [good?] the next year,
don’t talk that often the next, and
don’t want to talk at all the year
after that.
So, I just wanted to say, even if I
never talk to you again in my life,
you are special to me and
you have made a difference in my
life,
I look up to you, respect you, and
truly cherish you.
no matter how often you talk,
or how close you are,
Let old friends know you
haven’t forgotten them,
and you never will.
Remember, everyone needs a
friend
someday you might feel like you
have
NOTHING, NO FRIENDS at all,
just remember this
and take comfort in knowing
somebody out there cares about
you
and…always will…

I love you as my friend

Another thing in which I have known (about myself) is that when it comes to my classmates from Oregon, I am not uncomfortable to “socialize” or anything; I am completely normal and free. I might not know them in-depth or anything, but I had been there and grew up with them, and in that sense I do know them.

Marriage is the last thing on my mind, and I intend to keep it that way. I just don’t want to marry anyone, ever. I did however daydream and entertain the thought that one day I might adopt and raise a child. If I did ever do that, and if God would be okay with that, I would do this after having paid off all debts and more than enough money to support a family (or a small one anyway); this rules out financial slowdowns and problems (one minor reason I chose orthodontistry — freeing myself from society financially is one of my key objectives so that I may be able to live out the rest of my days serving God with ultimate dedication [and more available time than what most people can offer to God]).

Everyone has a place to go, a place to be, and things to do. The reality is that nobody has time (except God), and that’s also the truth. Likewise, I have places to go, places to be, and things to do.

• I changed my Facebook password to something bogus so that the only way I could login would be to reset my password — I know that I am not desperate enough for my Facebook account to go and reset my password.
• I got rid of my volleyball (gave it away) and my kneepads (threw it in a trashcan at school before leaving) that I’ve worn every single day for years.
• I’m going to get my hair cut as a self/personal-attitude adjustment and discipline; great way to destroy pride is to recognize it and simply nuke it at its roots.
• I’ve practically nuked my emotional center through amplification and plummet-diving of my depression, killing joy, happiness, and anything that involves my emotions, not giving any love, not caring, and looking at the “reality of things.”
• I’ve quit taking my vitamins/fish oil/medications.
• I’ve shutdown my past, my memories, and locked it all up. Now I’m looking ahead to my dismal future in the perspective of an inhuman, colorless, personalitiless, emotionless machine; “places to go, places to be, things to do,” and now I am a slave in society, working and hyperfocusing on freeing myself.
  • It’s all planned out.
• To reinforce, fuel and encourage the direction in which I go — I listen to music that can synchronize with the mood (ignoring the actual combined meaning of vocals and replacing the visuals with fantasy-like daydreams).
• I intend to use my middle name in substitution for my first name as a way of creating a proxy “war.”
  • Cutting my hair helps. Such a drastic mood would definitely alter my appearance.
• Repeating sentences (or concepts) mentally to continue fueling, reinforcing and directing resistive thoughts and forces:
  • Everyone has places to go, places to be, things to do.
    • So do I.
  • Nobody gives a —-.
  • Get the —- over it.
  • Get with the program.
  • I’m invisible.
  • I always get over it anyway.
  • Great! So what? Life goes/moves on.
  • It’s all or nothing.
• Wanting to find a recruiter to discuss and research regarding bootcamp and training (without actually joining the military) as an attitude adjustment, discipline, and emotion suppressor (if God can do miracles, this shouldn’t be a problem, right? “Right.”).*
• I’m afraid of change, I don’t want to change, I don’t want to explore, I don’t want to meet new and different people, I want to stay in my own ecosphere, and I’m afraid of vanishing [said about graduating before graduation].

* I have come to conclude that the solution to all and every problem I have is through God; the solution should directly and indirectly come through prayer and fasting. The keyword is fasting in my situation. I may be able to do everything fine, but the one thing I’m missing is serious, honest, selfless and humble humility [before God] fasting. The only limit here now is me. It all depends on my priorities now, and how badly I want to grab what God has for me and do what He wants me to do.

Unfortunately, my priority affinities do not have God in ultimate first place. Why, I ask? Maybe it’s because I’m still too selfish, wanting to enjoy sin more and longer, or simply because I’m stubborn and I don’t want to submit. I know and feel that the switch is right THERE, and all I have to do is flip it. But a part of me hesitates and doesn’t want [me] to flip the switch. Not yet.

• I want to stay in my own comfort zone. Nobody is going to pull me out of it this time.
• This time I’ve installed countermeasures and have developed immunity for newly found and experienced strategies in infiltration of my system.
• This time I will hyperfocus on my target rock solid (that’s the plan anyway).

Okay, great! Private posting works now.