Lately I have been trying to hold myself together in stable conditions and state. The emotional sector of my system has been running ups and downs between energetic, happy and joyful to feeling lonely, sad, love-sick (who would have thunk it!), and the likes.
When I feel love-sick, it means I am trying to get ahold myself, avoid and distance myself away from whoever, sulk and wish there would be nobody around so that I may burst everything out from my head verbally and in tears. My soul demands to speak, but I do not feel comfortable even at home to release everything inside.
I suffer on a daily basis, plus all the accumulated pains, hungers and thirsts. There are certain persons whose very presence act as if a catalyst to limit of how much I can suffer. As a result, I suffer even more and can contain myself even less. I get closer to complete instability, closer to a breakdown, closer to the point where everything in my head would flow without hesitation and then not know what the future holds and become lost and without direction. It feels that is what would happen.
And it hurts. It hurts to try and contain this. But this is a normal hormonal thing for youth like I. None the less, the pains grow every day.
Sometimes I “suffer” so much in at a given time that I lose interest to live. No, not suicide. This is totally different. It is a different thing when you feel sorry for yourself, feel really bad, want to end the world and life, want to give up, etcetera. This is different. You simply lose the will to live.
Sometimes I feel like I could use a hug, but a part of me resists and says no. Perhaps that part of me desires that I suffer more and suffer until I hit my limit.
Sometimes when I lose the interest to live, I daydream what I would do if I didn’t have God and commit suicide to this point. I would submit my life to an organization to be used as a asset and weapon of war, and this is probably because of all the first-person-shooters I have played. I take a fancy in Special Operations and SWAT (Special Weapons And Tactics); I even believe that today’s SWAT in America could probably even take on the army and marines and still win (SWAT has a lot more advanced technology, weaponry and training — plus SWAT is physically a whole lot stronger and capable than your ordinary army and marine fellow). But it would all be so that my life doesn’t go to waste, regardless of whether the organization that would control me would be for good or bad.
Anyway, sometimes to temporarily de-catalyze my limit or to temporarily increase my limit I try to zombify my mind or stray my attention elseware. Typically I’ll flood myself into a dreamland and world of fantasy. To aide that, I can listen to music and play games that I fancy to separate me from reality. Music has a powerful affect on me; if the music I listen to follows a love, sad, lonely theme — then that’s how I flow. I am very sensitive to music as far as how I feel (and sometimes how it can affect my behavior).
Dad doesn’t like it when I’m awake at 10 PM, which is silly compared to like 95%+ of students (apparently what I am finding is that the number of people who actually go to bed before 10PM is extremely to very small). Unfortunately I have no actual statistics to confirm this, so this is just a wasted paragraph. Dad always calls me stubborn (I probably am, naturally) and that I don’t listen (I cannot completely agree with him there).
To be honest, I don’t want to suffer even more. What I suffer already is too much for me. Long-run suffering hurts more than the short-run suffering most of the time too. Computers act as a “pain killer” and help to take my mind off of the suffering. Here’s a model:
Going to bed at 9PM or earlier and waking up at 6AM to 8AM every single day consistently. Eating three meals a day with a healthy snack in between, and before and after the first and last meal. Taking Calcium-Zinc-Magnessium tablets, fish oil, and other vitamin and mineral pills at appropriate times. Getting aerobic excercise every day for at least 30 minutes.
How much would I have to sacrifice to do that?
Everything. The first thing would be my computer; I run my business on and through it. Without it I would have extreme difficulty to no ability of running BlueToast (HLRSE).
Not to mention the additional suffering I would have. To get 30 minutes of aerobic excercise goes by very quickly and still leaves me with like 7 to 13 hours of free time. What am I supposed to do with that time? I cannot “do computers” because it will allocate more time than desired (I eventually find something to do usually, and it becomes of such importance that I cannot drag myself off).
But come to think of it, with college coming up — there is no way that model can be reached.The main part about it is when I should be going to sleep and wake up; that will not work. Guaranteed, even if I honestly approached it, it would mean a complete change in lifestyle (getting rid of compunters, which is basically my life). I would have nothing after that. After that would be a world of hurt. I need something to help me make it through the time.
And now is not the time to go “full blown” 100% throttle with God because a person simply cannot. There is college education to get through, taxes and debts to pay off, and everything else that is in the way that limits any one individual from going 100%. Until I can get those out of my way, it’s just a gradual progression and drift through time, for me anyway.
Even my dad says that my mind/logic/whatever is a bit twisted. Besides spending every day and all day in my room and occassionally being asked to do a chore or so (discluding feeding the dogs), all the negativity that comes toward me is the only thing I feel; just gives me all the more reason to separate myself from my own family and all. If I had the ability, I would move and live by myself, and I don’t think I would regret it (unfortunately). It would certainly be much easier to live and focus on college and work.
The only thing that is sticking in my head is “twisted and faulty logic,” and “stubborn.” Great. Just great. I hate this because I was naturally born with this stubbornness (but I don’t actually use this as an excuse, I’m just stating the reality of things and the facts; because of the way I think shapes and results with ‘this’ — and how I came to think this way, one should probably be questioning where it originated from and then how).
In a logical sense (ALTHOUGH PROBABLY FAULTY, TWISTED, AND CORRUPTED), you can consider anyone stubborn depending on which point of view you are coming from and what you think is right and what you want the other person to think. If for the value of x for some function you want the “other” person to think and believe exactly the same value of x for the same function, and that person hesitates or refuses — then they’re stubborn in your point of view. This is where it gets a little frustrating and stressful. What “you” believe the value of x is for some function is not quite the same value that I believe for the same function. Therefore, from “your” point of view, I am stubborn. But I can think likewise: “you” are stubborn for not taking and accepting my value.
So who is truly and absolutely right? Match it with the Bible. So if my value of x differs, but I happen to honestly and truely believe the same objective that the other person is trying to get me to switch to — then why don’t I switch? Well first of all, not all things can be an instant change from x2 to x1. Some things take time; in my situation, I feel that my dad is impatient and is incompatible with my rate of function and conversion. When a situation like this occurs, I believe that this is then between me and God; I therefore would wish my dad would cease to help me (you can only help a ‘stubborn’ person so much, even if the stubborn person is honestly trying), or at least stop calling me stubborn, stop breathing up my neck, quit allowing “this situation” to affect his stress levels and blood pressure (because it is between me and God at this point, logically), and saying my logic and all is twisted.
I mean, to even say that to me at this point in time (I am 18 years old) is quite childish and a great way to EVEN CONSIDER to try and convince me. There was a saying for this, but I forgot how it goes. It has to do with the concept of teaching and being a teacher; in this situation, my father is being a very poor and inconsiderate teacher, trying to force things to happen and go his way rather than letting God and the individual work on it. I didn’t ASK for the criticism regarding the twisted, faulty, and corrupted logic, as well as the stubborn part. If I ask for help, I’ll be specific — and if it appears that I am having too much trouble, then maybe whoever I asked for help should either ask what to do (COMMUNICATION) or slowly back out (I prefer communication over backing out though — however, noting all the details above, it must be in a considerate and appropriate form of communication; remember, I am asking “you” to help me, not to control or dictate me as if a leader of some country; again, refer to the “poor teacher” thing).
That kind of treatment (the “wrong” kind that I detailed) just makes me want to cry and leave. It just reinforces my pre-established thoughts about leaving, being alone, separating myself from people and partially from reality, etcetera. Why should I bother if the “teaching” part cannot be done in a respectful, considerate, and human? I’m not a machine you know (even though I feel and think like it when I zombify myself by reducing my food intake); I’m actually an imperfect human being with feelings and all, just as much as you are (but QUITE POSSIBLY a different life with different plans [that God has for me], and a different perspective).
So far I, up to this point, I have spent around 45 to 55 minutes typing and thinking of everything above. I would personally say that most of the logic I used is rather simple and common knowledge stuff, but I could be wrong. When I am attacked like this, I cave in emotionally and want to run away and be alone (I always do, just like my mother) (or rather at least be away from the people who are causing damage and harm rather than actually helping).
As a result of the above situation, I also seek counsel less and less from my parents (or rather my dad) because I do not feel I will get the respect I should get, and because it could turn into a situation where it feels like a dictator is whipping my back ordering me to do things without hesitation or any air to breath. I mean, I already have my expectations of how everything would play out if I came to asked for help, counsel, or advice (which is what I define counsel as — seeking for advice). Just because I seek for advice doesn’t mean I have to accept it; but I do honestly evaluate the advices I receive (and almost always I do actually try to apply it to my life, even if I never “announce” accepting it or whatever).
I am trying to find a way to finish this post, but I cannot help to further comment regarding the whole “twisted logic” and “stubbornness” thing: thanks, just devalued my life even more and took away my self-worth, if I even had any. I just want to die; I don’t want to live around anyone that just constantly approaches me in a manner that devalues, demoralizes, and “de-self-worths” me. Why should anyone?
On top of this, because my connections (people I receive advice and counsel from) are so limited and become weaker as a result of inappropriate responses from my counselors (physical distance is partly a factor too, because it has a lot to do with accessability), I become even lonely and “on my own” sort of thing.
If I get to an “on my own” state, I just drift through time and continue to think about God and stuff. I know what I am supposed to do — that is, all that I can do to progress: read the Bible, pray, worship, spend time with God, etcetera. That is the default state. Everything falls back to that; it’s the core function and the default action. Time of need? Fall back to that function. Need hope? Fall back to that function. Feeling lost? Fall back to that function. Feeling afraid and lonely? Fall back to that function. Feeling harassed? Fall back to that function. Confused and unable to cope with things? Fall back to that function. Stressed out? Fall back to that function. The list is endless; the solution to all physiological problems is to fall back to that function.
And I say “duh” because it’s me. It is that much a part of my core system (or function); I live off of it. If it weren’t there, then I probably wouldn’t be alive today, or so I think.
And now, it is 11PM. Time to go; I feel satisfied enough with this post and I feel that I have cleared my mind from certain things (which reminds me that I could medically backup my reason for not going to bed in time, because technically it was an order from my doctor in the list of things I need to do to be on my way solving my health problems — which I really don’t consider to be health problems any more [I now think of it all as just a subconscious misbehavior rather than a health problem]).